You’re probably reading this headline, asking: “The biggest mistakes tops make – what about bottoms? I’ve had more cases of shit-dick than I can count!”
Well, tops, while you’re right in that it does take skill to be an accomplished bottom, being an irresponsible top can cause far more serious health concerns. The ass is like a water sign during Cancer season: it’s sensitive AF and you need to treat it as such.
When a bottom gives you his ass, he trusts that you’re going to take good care of it. Even the nastiest pig bottom needs some TLC before you force your way in dry and jackhammer his hole. In the slight chance he does want you to ram him without preamble (FYI: jackhammering often comes after time, when the hole is more relaxed), it should be discussed beforehand. While many bottoms love a dom top, consent should always be communicated throughout a sexual encounter.
For a well-rounded evaluation of a top’s performance, I spoke with gays across the positional spectrum to identify where tops often go wrong so we can all enjoy sex without pain or shame.
“Communicate with your partner – ask what they like, how they like getting fucked, and what gets them off,” Damien, 50, shares over Facebook Messenger. “The top is not always in control and mistakes come about when you don’t communicate. Don’t dive in with your big gun blazing. Ease into it.”
The notion that tops don’t take the time for the ass to adjust to a dick was the most common response from bottoms. Gay men wrote me in droves, sharing horrible experiences of when tops shocked their bodies with forceful thrusting, traumatizing them.
“A bad top doesn’t take their time and just goes at it,” Connor, 23, shares over Twitter. “There is a period of time that most bottoms need before you can rail them! Like, please, just take a second and chill while I dilate!”
The remedy: Enter slowly, inch by inch, communicating with your partner throughout. Often, a bottom will express discomfort or pull away if things get too intense – so let them, and slow your roll.
The sphincter is closed tight in its natural state, which means you must open it slowly until it relaxes – a sensation both of you can definitely feel. Once you’re all the way in, give him a minute to adjust, and only start thrusting after you’re given the green light. When that happens, you can test getting rougher.
“Some bottoms need lots of foreplay and work to get properly loosened up and others sit on traffic cones regularly, Dan, 41, says. “You have to tailor your approach to what they need!”
Stephen, 35, agrees. “It’s more than just talking beforehand, it’s reading their body language, listening to the sounds they make, things like that.”
To Dan and Stephen’s point, not every bottom is the same, nor are their insides – this means there is no one-fuck-fits-all technique. Daniel, 33, shares with me on Twitter that he’s had too many experiences when a top has only one position in their repertoire – and it’s always the same.
Dan calls this rudimentary position the “Fluff n’ Fold,” describing it as, “two minutes of sucking, then he’ll throw my legs over his shoulders, fold me in half, and start going to town.” His response collected several likes, which leading me to assume that many have been on the receiving end of this painful position. “Not only is it incredibly uncomfortable,” he continues. “But it becomes monotonous and I have no access to take care of myself which is necessary because this position hits zero buttons.”
Listen, tops. As a versatile man, I get it: sometimes you’re perfectly erect and want to take that opportunity to make your bottom feel all kinds of toe-curling pleasure. Sometimes, outside factors – alcohol, drugs, insecurity, etc. – can steal those rock-hard erections from us, so we force our way in so that we don’t succumb to the probable circumstance. But that’s selfish – it’s the wrong thing to do.
Which comes to my next point: Tops can be selfish. One of the most popular responses I received came from Adam, 35, who simply said, “It would be great to meet a top who has feelings,” which was followed by echoing sentiments that tops only care about their own orgasm, that tops lack patience, and that tops perform like they’re filming for Only Fans – which, considering its current prevalence in the queer zeitgeist, is very possible.
“A foundational root of a large proportion of the worst Topping Sins is harboring the belief that you can, and in fact should be able to, do what you see in porn performances,” Taber, 36, says. “It can’t be stressed enough: patience, diligence, and constant verbal communication is the only way to top right, and porn scenes – directed for efficiency and visual impact! – show everything going at a lightning pace.”
The state of one’s fingernails was another popular complaint. So know that if you plan on fingering your man, trim your damn nails and don’t finger his asshole aggressively as if it were a vagina because it’s not.
And be very generous with lube. Too many tops think that they can spit on their dicks and shove it right in. But the truth is that spit doesn’t supply enough lubricant and actually dries the hole over time, which can lead to cracking. When using lube, you want to wet the interior and exterior of the hole. Many bottoms told me tops generally underestimate the amount of lube needed for comfortable penetration.
This may seem like a lot. But when you consider the above, tops really aren’t doing much wrong. The solutions are few and simple: take your time, listen to your bottom, lube up, and switch your pace and positions every once in a while. That’s it.
And although it’s far less sexy to mention, I caution all tops pull out to do a quick cock-check every now and then to see if there’s anything the bottom should be worried about. If you’re particularly well-endowed, you may be hitting beyond the nerve-endings and the bottom may not know of the damage you’re doing.
Other than that, keep on fucking, tops, and thanks for hearing us out on this.